A funny thing just happened. There was an Anon at Mayo's house talking about they long for something they cannot have and how they have come to an acceptance that they will never be with this person. What really got my attention was they used a phrase that I finished a "Secrets" comment with a few days ago, as an Anon, "I am a realist".
I used it when talking about my decision not to have children, as a result of most probably having a reduced life expectancy because of an inherited blood disorder that has fucked with my immune system. I have also chosen not to involve myself in any new long term relationship-romantic or otherwise (my most recent friend has now been my friend for 8 years).
As well as being a realist-I am human and indulge myself with short term, meaningless "activities". Whenever I find myself thinking someone is getting too close I behave like a bitch until they don't want to have anything to do with me. There is however one man who, even after 6 years, I am unable to delete his number from my phone. The idea of never being able to contact him is too much. As it is I usually send him drunken texts maybe twice a year-just to tell him what I'm doing. The last time just deleted his response without reading it. It is an impossible situation but I guess that me and that Anon have much in common (for different reasons).
My reality is that I have a job I really enjoy. I have 5 friends who I will know forever and a number of good acquaintances who make my life enjoyable. Interestingly, none of them have children. Other than a brother, I have no close family. I hope to continue my life as I have in the past few years. I rarely allow myself to look back at different times because there are a lot of people no longer alive or around and I feel the sense of loss too keenly. So, for me it is onwards and hopefully upwards (when the time comes). I continue to take care of myself and those friends I love.
I feel it is important to state that I have accepted my lot and I don't feel jealous of those who lead a different life with family etc. I celebrate happy lives. My biggest foible is that my tolerance of self pity is nil.
Oh well, I suppose I can't be perfect!
