I am I said

LA's fine, sunshine most of the time
The feeling is laid back
Palm trees grow and the rents are low
But you know I keep thinking about
Making my way back

Well, I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
LA's fine, but it ain't home
New York's home but it ain't mine no more

I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king
And then became one
Well, except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I've never cared for the sound of being alone

I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why

I am, I said
I am, I cried
I am...

By Neil Diamond

Should I stay or should I go?

One morning this week I got a text from a man I used to go out with. I have not seen him for 6 years but every few months we swap drunken texts. I just cannot bring myself to delete his number.

He has invited me to lunch on Sunday and I immediately responded "yes".

To say that this is a wrong thing to do is an understatement-we really cannot/should never be together but I really want to see him.

I am already having 2nd/third/fourth thoughts.

I wonder if I will meet him?????????????????

In Recovery Mode

I really have had an awful week at work. I am usually able to let all office politics wash over me but this week I have just been despairing at how people feel they have the right to have negative impacts on others and, most scarily, they don't care how they make others feel.

I am a great believer in what goes around comes around but sometimes it can take such a long time: it is really frustrating.

I have had a great weekend and my resolve is to continue to battle against bad behaviour and step in where I see bullying. I have been listening to lots of music and, because of my love of fast cars and that I believe there is hope for the downtrodden man, this Springsteen track as been my inspiration of the weekend.

Thunder Road

The screen door slams
Mary' dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me

You can hide 'neath your covers
And study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers
Throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero
That's understood
All the redemption I can offer girl
Is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now ?
Except roll down the window
And let the wind blow
Back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back
Heaven's waiting on down the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
We're riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run
Oh Thunder Road sit tight take hold
Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar
And I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back
If you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely
For words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free
All the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes
Of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind so Mary climb in
It's town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win

The Reality of My Life

A funny thing just happened. There was an Anon at Mayo's house talking about they long for something they cannot have and how they have come to an acceptance that they will never be with this person. What really got my attention was they used a phrase that I finished a "Secrets" comment with a few days ago, as an Anon, "I am a realist".

I used it when talking about my decision not to have children, as a result of most probably having a reduced life expectancy because of an inherited blood disorder that has fucked with my immune system. I have also chosen not to involve myself in any new long term relationship-romantic or otherwise (my most recent friend has now been my friend for 8 years).

As well as being a realist-I am human and indulge myself with short term, meaningless "activities". Whenever I find myself thinking someone is getting too close I behave like a bitch until they don't want to have anything to do with me. There is however one man who, even after 6 years, I am unable to delete his number from my phone. The idea of never being able to contact him is too much. As it is I usually send him drunken texts maybe twice a year-just to tell him what I'm doing. The last time just deleted his response without reading it. It is an impossible situation but I guess that me and that Anon have much in common (for different reasons).

My reality is that I have a job I really enjoy. I have 5 friends who I will know forever and a number of good acquaintances who make my life enjoyable. Interestingly, none of them have children. Other than a brother, I have no close family. I hope to continue my life as I have in the past few years. I rarely allow myself to look back at different times because there are a lot of people no longer alive or around and I feel the sense of loss too keenly. So, for me it is onwards and hopefully upwards (when the time comes). I continue to take care of myself and those friends I love.

I feel it is important to state that I have accepted my lot and I don't feel jealous of those who lead a different life with family etc. I celebrate happy lives. My biggest foible is that my tolerance of self pity is nil.

Oh well, I suppose I can't be perfect!