A funny thing just happened. There was an Anon at Mayo's house talking about they long for something they cannot have and how they have come to an acceptance that they will never be with this person. What really got my attention was they used a phrase that I finished a "Secrets" comment with a few days ago, as an Anon, "I am a realist".
I used it when talking about my decision not to have children, as a result of most probably having a reduced life expectancy because of an inherited blood disorder that has fucked with my immune system. I have also chosen not to involve myself in any new long term relationship-romantic or otherwise (my most recent friend has now been my friend for 8 years).
As well as being a realist-I am human and indulge myself with short term, meaningless "activities". Whenever I find myself thinking someone is getting too close I behave like a bitch until they don't want to have anything to do with me. There is however one man who, even after 6 years, I am unable to delete his number from my phone. The idea of never being able to contact him is too much. As it is I usually send him drunken texts maybe twice a year-just to tell him what I'm doing. The last time just deleted his response without reading it. It is an impossible situation but I guess that me and that Anon have much in common (for different reasons).
My reality is that I have a job I really enjoy. I have 5 friends who I will know forever and a number of good acquaintances who make my life enjoyable. Interestingly, none of them have children. Other than a brother, I have no close family. I hope to continue my life as I have in the past few years. I rarely allow myself to look back at different times because there are a lot of people no longer alive or around and I feel the sense of loss too keenly. So, for me it is onwards and hopefully upwards (when the time comes). I continue to take care of myself and those friends I love.
I feel it is important to state that I have accepted my lot and I don't feel jealous of those who lead a different life with family etc. I celebrate happy lives. My biggest foible is that my tolerance of self pity is nil.
Oh well, I suppose I can't be perfect!
6 comments:
Oh, my dearest Eliza.
This place messes us up in too many ways, positive and negative. Makes us address issues that we would usually avoid.
You say you are a realist, yet it sounds as if you are so sad about that fact. Don't forego the possibilities of a fantastic life with what-ifs and not-for-me's.
Question why you haven't deleted that number. Maybe it will provide some answers to the questions that you don't realise you are secretly asking yourself.
Take care of yourself.
GS x
EB, thanks for being concerned about me and checking on me at my blogs. Right now, I'm so caught up in work and school. It's like stress overload, but I'm just getting through it, step by step.
How're you?
*hug*
Love always;
- Paperheartxx
Wow, that was beautiful. You are an amazingly strong person Eliza. I am so gald to have met you here, you inspire me.
I want to thank you for your lovely words to DG at mayos. DG is a good friend of mine and the support you gave made me smile.
Thank you once again.
Hi EB37, thank you so much for your words at my blog.
I don't know what is happening at mayos but I will still be around at dm.
I may come back when all the nasty madness stops.
It is all too much right now.
I envy you seeing all the spurs fans. It must have been quite an atmosphere.
Hi EB37, wow, another F1 fan.
I am soooooo excited that the season starts again tonight. I will probably watch the rerun of the qualifying and race though.
I must admit to wimping out and taping the early morning races rather than staying up to see them.
Well, the teaching I will be doing is with adults. I don't think I could cope with unruly kids. I don't blame you for not enjoying it.
All I can do now is wait for the decision.
In the meantime Yippee for F1. I have met Michael Schumacher as a few years ago, I was lucky enough to get into the paddock area at silverstone. I never liked the guy but I had to begurdgingly admit that he was friendly and thoughtful, I got his autograph. I also got montoyas (loved him) and Fisi's(my all time fave cutie pie).
Sorry to say that I adore Kimi. The way his voice even bores himself and he drones off before finishing sentences cracks me up.
I hope Jenson button does better this year. He is adorable.
Can't bloody stand Lewis though. We have had him rammed down our throats and I am sick of hearing about him. I love Alonso though. (I can hear you shouting Noooooo as you read this hee hee).
I don't know EB37, choosing drinking over the F1 weekend. Tut tut.
Enjoy drowning the shamrock sweetie.
If you remember, cheer on my beloved Fisi. Thanks.
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